Thursday 5 July 2018

Trump Trumpets Crumpets

The question of crumpet packaging once threatened the acceptance of Donald Trump as a worthy president. Now it looks like it will save him.

To explain. ‘Crumpet’ in British slangy parlance is another word for good-looking lady, as in ‘Whoar! She’s a bit of crumpet!’ The term was in common usage as late as the 1970s but is considered now rather antiquated and derogatory. After all ‘a bit’ of crumpet suggests that the lady in question is only partially a crumpet and not worthy enough to be the whole thing. Donald Trump was therefore considered to be a ‘crumpet-packager’ in this sense when he made the remark that, ‘You can do anything. Whatever you want. Grab them by the pu*sy.’

However, in a timely twist of fate, crumpet packaging is in dire straits. How come?

Thursday 28 June 2018

Thesis on Faeces

Wash your hands in a public toilet and you’re done, right? Basic hygiene restored… apart perhaps from the fine coating of sewage you’re now wearing. The fact is that when you flush a toilet, billions of miniscule microbe-laden water droplets micro-tsunami all over the cubicle walls, the floor, the toilet roll holder and the toilet seat to boot. What you end up with is a subtle blend of yours and previous squatters’ germs applied rather like a perfume atomiser, but with an altogether different take on ‘Eau de Toilette.’

To minimise exposure to pathogens, you need to distance yourself as far as possible from the flush. If you’re a shepherd caught short, you’re somewhat better prepared...