Track of the Week

‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ Purchasers in Denial

There still remain what can only be referred to as ‘heretics’, who believe ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ is butter. But it’s quite possible that their numbers are on the wane. Because we know that there is likely a tipping point about to be reached where the general populace will be more inclined to believe it’s not butter.

Somewhere, some time, some place (in summer would be nice because the flow of some this, some that would be ruined if it had happened in Autumn e.g. somewhere, some time some place in Autumn, some body…) somebody created a material that tasted very much like butter. All the signs were there that it was butter; the molecules were strangely almost identical. It tasted so similar on toast (using the same type of toast as a control). (CLICK ON 'Read more' LINK, BELOW)

McDonalds – I’m Lovin’ Shit

Up until recently it has been infernally frustrating getting your microwave oven to slow cook. Things like a slow-cooked stew. They’re simply programmed to cook too fast. But the wifi modem is set to change all that. The wifi modem always looked a better bet than the conventional modem (the one noted for going ‘ooh-ee-ding-dong-ding-dong’ when it was firing up) because it can provide a cable-less internet connection to your computer. Instead, it does it by pumping out a very weak microwave signal. So what you can do is leave your wifi modem switched on all day and your stew next to it. Come back from work that evening and you’ve a slow micro-waved delicacy. (CLICK ON 'Read more' LINK, BELOW)

Track of the Week

IKEA, I Saw, I Conquered

Big game hunters were the carpet fitters of yore. Before the kind of retailers we have now that suggest to the astronomically-interested that there exists a parallel universe dedicated to carpets like ‘World of Carpets’; and before Allied Carpets, even.

Big game hunters could rustle you up a tiger rug. A bit like a fishmonger, he could gut it for the customer and ask, ‘Do you want me to take the head off?’ But in most cases people would want the head on, and in the vast majority of other cases the big gamer would go out looking for his own carpet rather than selling it on. And not surprisingly – because people weren’t very satisfied with the service. The tiger would hardly ever fit the dimensions of the room and it was difficult to fit the head flush with the skirting board. And to say nothing of the hoovering. These were the days before Dyson, before he thought ‘I’ve got a tiger head to negotiate, sticking up from my carpet, but what if…?’

 (CLICK ON 'Read more' LINK, BELOW)

Time of the Month Awards

It’s about time women chose a better time of the month. At the moment they’re a choosing time when they’re feeling at their most rotten. And their most unreasonable. ‘Don’t eat so loudly’, they bark suddenly while you’re only eating something mushy like broccoli; or ‘Take your shoes off while you’re swimming’. Totally irrational.

 (CLICK ON 'Read more' LINK, BELOW)

Track of the Week

Fitness First or Fatness First?

Fitness First, the chain of gymnasiums should get its business concept right and call itself ‘Fatness First’. After all, you’re fat before you start attending.

Fitness First has so far failed to attract a joint venture with Greggs.

(CLICK ON 'Read more' LINK, BELOW)

Platonic Dogging

A Dogging Licence would be like a cross between a dog licence and a driving licence. Issued to people who plan to drive very seldom except to attend dogging events. Learning a basic level of driving appropriate to their needs, such as reverse parking, the three-point turn… but mostly parking skills. Plus there’d be a requirement to recognise certain signs appropriate to their driving experience like ‘Have you paid and displayed?’

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Track of the Week

Silence of the Organic Lambs

People who say they like people-watching either love observing the social condition or they’re cannibals. People who like to watch what they eat. People who spend a lot time following others around are either stalkers or cannibals regarded as ‘fussy eaters’.

Some cannibals are fine (and young).

We have a pretty narrow understanding of cannibals. Things haven’t been so easy for them. Cannibalism has suffered a bit from a lack of role models. And there’s really not much information out there how to get started. You could, for instance, see how you got on biting your own fingernails. But nobody really tells you this stuff. (CLICK ON 'Read more' LINK, BELOW)

From Refried Beans to Used Bog Roll

Witness this, a common scene in the Mexican cantina – a man suddenly convulses and spews his food all over the terracotta tiling.

‘Jesus! Jesus! What’s wrong?’ asks his concerned wife.

‘Que?’ asks the man.

‘What’s wrong? – ‘que pasa?’ in our language… well the Spanish language. What happened with our indigenous Aztec language?’

‘That’s another issue, Conchita. Let’s deal with this one first. Waiter? Waiter, take these beans away! They’re undercooked. Tastes like they’ve only been fried once.’

The Mexicans kicked off re-using things with their refried beans. They won’t go anywhere near them if they’ve been fried only once.

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