Friday, 21 October 2011
Arse Gratia Artis
Those hospital patient gowns are a good halfway house garment for those with tepid convictions about becoming a fully paid up member of naturism. For the gown shows off the so-called ‘arse’ while covering up the other wobbly bits. (As a general rule of thumb, we can assume that the bits we should cover up are those that we wouldn’t want dangled in our face at mealtimes… and sometimes when we’re having a snack.)
Out of the sexualised bits, the least controversial reveal in polite society has to be the arse. Builder’s cracks are not only tolerated but a symbol of integrity. The arse crack bursts out hairily, flabbily, saying ‘you’ve called in the right man for the job’, though, on the other hand you may be imagining a talking arse. Unless you have a special kind of rapport with your builder, certainly don’t talk back to his arse, otherwise under exceptional circumstances (though it is unclear what they might be).
Patient gowns aren’t the easiest to purchase from your high street retailers. Gap must have them, you would suppose… One of the best ways of getting hold of a patient gown is to find a way of getting operated on. Feign the need for surgical intervention. Insist on it. But try keeping the ‘cost of surgery to the reward of gaining a gown’ ratio low. A high ratio might be something like a major organ transplant (or two in more extreme cases).
And on the subject of arses, be mindful of hospital etiquette when you go through the surgery process. Make sure you’ve brought with you a sign to hang on the foot of your bed, post-op, when you’re unconscious: ‘Nil by Mouth’. And to avoid any unnecessary suppositories, another sign reading: ‘Nil by Arse’.