Sunday 23 October 2011

Civet Cat Shit Coffee and the ‘Crappuchino’

Nescafe has gone so far gifting us with instant coffee that tastes like cat’s piss. It has missed a trick in failing as yet to embrace civet cat shit. Time to shape up. It’s now quite well known that coffee beans fed to civet cats are stripped of their bitter flavours in digestion, emerging from its arse chocolatey and prized.
A consumable fresh from a cat’s arse – what could be more marketable? Nescafe need look only as far as its commercial romance from the 1980’s. Lumped together in the video clip, below, is that series (please click and play).

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A couple battle with their instinct to jump on each other, insinuating sexual advance instead with dancing eyebrows. Subtle innuendo reigns. The head-wobbling Lothario stops short of lines like ‘Cor, you don’t get many of them to the pound (or ‘kilo’ if he’s progressed and gone metric), darlin’’, and ‘I like my coffee how I like my women – instant.’ All Nescafe need do is play with the power of suggestion. Recycle these ads, suggesting the lady knows the fop has a secret pet civet and is after what’s in his cat litter tray. Shift the emphasis from sex to cat shit.
In the 1st episode (‘The Lady at the Door’), the fop asks if Nescafe coffee is too good for her friends? The suggestion thus becomes: are your friends not a reflection of yourself and not classy enough to have had a cat shit in their coffee? In the 2nd  episode (‘The Return’) – how can she ever thank him for saving her dinner party with the cat shit coffee? She’ll think of something, she says, the subtext being, ‘Let me be the first to know when your civet cat’s got a ‘tortoise head’ and I’ll be round with the pooper scooper’.
So what to offer in the new range of Nescafe civet cat shit coffees? – ‘crappucino’, ‘excreto’, ‘flat shite’? Or, testing positive for coffees rendered from the shit of other animals like the domestic mutt, they could introduce a variation on the coffee and chocolate beverage, the mocha – the ‘dog’s mucka’.

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