Friday, 15 July 2011

Cheesy Choices

Choosing the right cheese is a real minefield. Though the comparison does falter a little. For instance, relatively few people have been maimed as a consequence of choosing the wrong cheese.
Cheese-and-wine parties can make or break you in middle-class society. But you don’t need to be a connoisseur to know which cheese goes with which wine. Those Dairylea triangles are quite clearly a fitting match for a tepid Thunderbird.
It’s time for cheese to break out of its conservative tradition. Quattro Formaggi, the four-cheeses pizza could be more inclusive and welcome the addition of a guest cheese to form the ‘Cinque Formaggi’. Or former soft metal chick Suzi Quattro (see video below) allowed to pick which four cheeses she would like to blend on a pizza crust. Technically, it would still be a Quattro Formaggi but more celebrity endorsed.

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To be fair to cheese, it has looked further afield, as it were, to begin its process in the bodies of other farmyard animals. We now have sheeps’ cheese, buffalo mozzarella and goats’ cheese. The latter has burnt itself into the conscience and menus of all those pubs eager to earn their ‘gastro’ stripes as the chief constituent of ‘warmed goats’ cheese tartlets’. If you don’t have warmed goats’ cheese tartlets as a starter option you’re wasting everybody’s time. Though it should be said that even if you do, beware that you are now dealing with an altogether shrewder type of customer. They know who they are, what they like and when and how they like it. And why.
Typically you will be requested to replace orders:
‘Excuse me, waiter. This tartlet is too warm. And it’s too big to be a tartlet. It’s more of a fully fledged tart.’
Why stop at farmyard animal cheeses? The basic requirements you need is a post-natal (hence lactating), mammalian, grass-eating species. Domestic cats in bouts of queasiness eat grass. There’s potential. A pukey cat cheese?:
‘Excuse me waiter, is this ailing cat cheese supposed to be warm?’
‘I believe so, sir. Tibbles is just getting over the squits.’
For more on Danish Blue Cheese, please watch the video below:

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