Sunday 25 September 2011

‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ Purchasers in Denial

There still remain what can only be referred to as ‘heretics’, who believe ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ is butter. But it’s quite possible that their numbers are on the wane. Because we know that there is likely a tipping point about to be reached where the general populace will be more inclined to believe it’s not butter.

Somewhere, some time, some place (in summer would be nice because the flow of some this, some that would be ruined if it had happened in Autumn e.g. somewhere, some time some place in Autumn, some body…) somebody created a material that tasted very much like butter. All the signs were there that it was butter; the molecules were strangely almost identical. It tasted so similar on toast (using the same type of toast as a control). (CLICK ON 'Read more' LINK, BELOW)

Then a difference was found at last after an exhaustive investigation rather like that looking at the human genome looking for a slight difference in genetic codes type of thing. The code was cracked. But, one thing troubled. We know what it is, or rather what it isn’t, said the researchers, but try telling people it’s not butter. A completely different ball game. The marketing people involved would have said we don’t care let’s just get it out there. It’s too good an opportunity to miss. If we don’t sell it the Russians will. The wary researchers said hold on a minute, what happens further down the line when people start accepting this is not butter? I’ll tell you what will happen: you will have a people no longer able to suspend their belief. Do you not even remember what happened with the Millennium Bug? Do you not learn from history? The world faced a complete meltdown, an Armageddon situation, all because the computer engineers didn’t think ahead, how they might count up to 2000 or something. But they went ahead anyway. They didn’t say let’s not bother developing the computer (a.k.a. the ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Box With Buttons On It You Can Press To Perform Various Algorithms’) because we’re going to have problems in the future. And it very nearly spelt dnager for dyslexics.
The Margarine Millennium Bug can be solved. And it will be solved. It will be consigned to the history books and rebranded as ‘I Was Slightly Off Message But I Can Now Believe It’s Not Butter, Let’s Draw A Line Under It, Lessons Have Been Learnt, Let’s Move On’, perhaps sold in bigger cartons so you could fit the title. So you would have a very big carton, say a vat, dwarfing its contents. They could talk to crisp (potato chips) packagers who have perfected this art already.


  1. Charles Manson was referred to as the Butter Nutter by the tabloid press because he would cover himself in butter to make it more difficult to be held down by the prison wardens. He clearly new it was butter but used in in an inappropriate way do you think he would have bothered if he had believed it was not butter ? and is it possible that margarine is a suitable substitute or in any way more politically correct ?

  2. Editor's Response:
    Wasn't the only really effective restraining move used by Manson's guards known as the 'butter nut squash'?