Friday 9 September 2011

Platonic Dogging

A Dogging Licence would be like a cross between a dog licence and a driving licence. Issued to people who plan to drive very seldom except to attend dogging events. Learning a basic level of driving appropriate to their needs, such as reverse parking, the three-point turn… but mostly parking skills. Plus there’d be a requirement to recognise certain signs appropriate to their driving experience like ‘Have you paid and displayed?’

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While you’re learning the ropes trying for the standard driving licence, you’re issued with what’s called a Provisional Licence. It allows you, legally, to kangaroo hop and stall at road junctions on the Queen’s highways. A similar thing could be done with the Dogging Licence. A Provisional Dogging Licence would allow you to learn the dogging basics. There wouldn’t be any sex. Just a kind of Platonic dogging, sitting in the back of a car in a carpark for a chat. Perhaps enjoying a flask of tea; more of an introduction to dogging:
‘Peter? There’s a man looking in through the window. What’s he doing? Looks like he’s trying to warm himself up.’
Most of the rules on the Provisional Dogging Licence will be lifted from the Full and Provisional Driving Licences. Just so you could avoid something like the following situation:
‘You do know sir that you this licence doesn’t permit you to drive on the motorway? The hard shoulder is strictly for breakdowns and restricted use if other lanes have been closed.’
The policeman closes his notebook and pockets his pen.
‘I’ll let it go for now sir, but if you’re partner would like to put away the Battenberg…’ he says straightening up to conclude the business, but just then spotting perhaps another infringement.
‘Hello sir, warming ourselves up were we?’

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