Monday 5 September 2011

Silence of the Organic Lambs

People who say they like people-watching either love observing the social condition or they’re cannibals. People who like to watch what they eat. People who spend a lot time following others around are either stalkers or cannibals regarded as ‘fussy eaters’.
Some cannibals are fine (and young).
We have a pretty narrow understanding of cannibals. Things haven’t been so easy for them. Cannibalism has suffered a bit from a lack of role models. And there’s really not much information out there how to get started. You could, for instance, see how you got on biting your own fingernails. But nobody really tells you this stuff. (CLICK ON 'Read more' LINK, BELOW)

However, there’s good news for those who have found an ‘in’ because cannibals can now go organic. And that’s because there’s now a number of people they can eat who in turn have been on long-term diets of organic foods themselves. The organic supermarket shoppers. Strictly speaking the cannibal can’t source 100% organic, because people have yet to emerge who have been on a life-long organic diet. Realistically, your cannibal needs to choose who they think might have been the longest adherents – those who are more organic than thou. Might seem a difficult task, but actually potential dinners are quite easy to spot. They’re the ones who don’t hold the door open for you as you enter or exit the shop, or walk through the door not holding it open for the next person leaving you to act like you’re their bloody doorman.
Cannibals can be more discerning in their choice of subject. Of course they can rest assured that anyone up and about and walking around the shop is ‘free range’ (prisoners, of course, they would regard as ‘battery’). And if your Dr Lecter has dietary requirements, he could choose himself a decaffeinated cadaver if he can establish that his meal doesn’t drink coffee. He could pretend to flirt. ‘Do you fancy a coffee?’ he could ask sweetly (trying not to do that off-putting thing he does with his tongue). If the main course says ‘I’m sorry I don’t drink coffee’ or ‘I only drink de-caf’, he can ramp up the grooming by adding: ‘do you fancy coming round for dinner? And if they’ve a gangly physique, Lecter’s got himself a ‘tall, skinny decaf’. On your way, Hannibal. You’ve scored. Don’t forget to pick up a fine Chianti and hold the door open for your acquaintance on the way out.


  1. Two cannibals eating a clown, one cannibal looks at the other and says,"Does this taste funny to you?". M.

  2. Editor's Response:
    If the cannibal had eaten the clown's elbow, would he have tasted humerus?